By the Time You Read This by April Simpkins & Cheslie Kryst

Author:April Simpkins & Cheslie Kryst
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Forefront Books
Published: 2024-04-23T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 9 THE SLOW BURN OF SOLITUDE

Although Justin and I had resolved to just be friends, we soon entered a toxic cycle of making up and breaking up—even if I suspected he was lying about something, we’d get back together after he cried and pleaded and negotiated his way back in, or after I came running back to him.

The happy parts of that cycle were a mountainous peak of joy and sacrifice. Justin found a job in Charlotte and moved back to the city for the first time in years. He spent holidays with my family. He took me on vacations, bought me gifts, and scheduled couple’s counseling sessions. His drinking slowed down, and he was going to bars less often. He rarely missed one of my calls or FaceTimes. And he started asking me if I was okay with him going out with his friends or traveling, which felt like a mix of him asking for permission and wondering if it would hurt my feelings or bother me if he went out. I never said no; I just wanted him to be honest with me about where he was going and who was with him.

Unfortunately, our relationship’s high points didn’t shield us from the dungeon that our lows created. I thought that if Justin changed, our relationship would survive, but though he was changing in some ways, he was doing it out of obligation to me, not out of a genuine desire to be a good partner. Honesty was a constant issue for him and was one of the reasons our relationship felt like it was nearing its final end. When I found out about his infidelity, he initially denied it and swore on his deceased mother that he hadn’t cheated on me. Days later, he admitted that he’d shared “two pecks” with a girl while I was away competing.

By the summer of 2019, we’d done a couple of sessions with the counselor Justin had found. In one of them, I told our counselor I felt like a prison warden rather than a girlfriend, tracking him and feeling in the pit of my stomach that he wasn’t telling me the truth. The counselor looked Justin square in the face during our session and said, “Do not lie, ever.”

Justin froze. I felt validated. It was the first time someone who had nothing to gain and hadn’t claimed a side made me feel reassured, like I wasn’t crazy. I’d spent so much time doubting myself and apologizing for my valid emotions that it was a relief having someone say that demanding honesty, even for the little things, was a reasonable expectation. This truth is part of what gave me the conviction and the nerve to leave for good.

In August, Justin and I had a few bad weekends in succession. He never hit me, but I began to fear for my safety. We had an argument, and he flew into an alcohol-fueled rage, punching through a large glass frame I’d gifted him, which held a photo collage of us.

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